The Blackbird Spyplane Profound Essay Archive

Ruminations on vexing questions--with 100% "unbeatable" answers

Blackbird Spyplane … we aren’t just your no. 1 source across all media for “unbeatable recon” … we’re also your no. 1 source for “unbeatable philosophical reckoning” with the most profound questions life and the jawns sciences inspire…

We wanted to gather our greatest “Spyplane Ruminations” into one place for future historians, and also for you, on chill Sunday mornings when you wanna kick back in a comfortable chair and expand your intellectual horizons. THIS is that one place…


🌳 How to attain the blessed GORP mindset — and avoid wearing cursed GORP

GORP, aka outdoor gear — it’s fire, except when it’s CURSED. How can you tell the difference and rock DOPE GORP in such a way that you not only look cool but are also a blessed person?? This blockbuster BBSP essay — truly one of the most insane and most beautiful things we’ve published — contains a parable, which contains a moral spark, which contains a brain, which contains a galaxy, which contains a solar system, which contains an earth which contains a great newsletter… which contains the answer.

🌳 I bought fake $5000 Nikes

Bootlegs — they’re everywhere. When are they cool, and when are they depressing? A classic Spyplane critique.

🌳 What’s a $15k shirt “worth”? COLLECTOR BRAIN WORMS explored

How many of the same jacket is too many? We contemplate “obsessive jawnoisseurship” — and what we discover about the nature of the human desire will THRILL and FRIGHTEN you…

🌳 The “UGLY GENIUS” matrix

Sometimes “nauseatingly ugly” is just “nauseatingly ugly.” But sometimes that nausea is your body’s way of alerting you that you are in the presence of artistic genius so radical, destabilizing and vertiginous that it re-writes the laws of physics around you in real time. Featuring guest “ugly genius” insights from Rachel Tashjian, Laia Garcia-Furtado, Durga Chew-Bose and Online Ceramics’ Elijah Funk.

🌳 Would socialism kill cool clothes?

Do beautiful clothes require rapacious unfettered free-market capitalism to exist? If we lived in a socialist utopia, would fire jawns cease to exist?? We go deep on these questions and turn up beautiful and challenging answers — featuring wisdom from leftist fit-lord Yung Chomsky, of TrueAnon.

🌳 The P.P.P.H.A.T. Mindset: Your Mach 3+ Picnic Hike MICRO-GORPING Guide

Even small encounters with the natural world can actually open VAST UNIVERSES of discovery. That’s why we created the the P.P.P.H.A.T. (Public-Park Picnic-Hikes Any Time) Mindset: consciousness-expanding weekday encounters with nature that help you steal back some of the surplus value your employer extracts from you aka blessed microgorping.

🌳 Is Buying Used Clothes Unethical?

Can SpyFriends who are fortunate enough to live lives of relative comfort, and who enjoy secondhand jawns, “gentrify” the Goodwill — or is that nonsense??

🌳 The Case Against “Perfect” Jawns

We explore the PERILS of “optimization mindset”: approaching clothes shopping as merely a series of problems to solve instead of an invitation to surprise, irrationality, and a certain JAWN NE SAIS QUOI.

🌳 Tuck All Tops

A sweater? Tuckable. A hoodie? Tuckable. A puffer?? Tuckable, too, friend. One of the most controversial arguments we’ve ever made — but at bottom it’s simply about using every weapon in yr fit arsenal, overcoming your fears, and learning when to respect convention — and when to make convention RESPECT YOU. Featuring guest tuckspertise from Throwing Fits’ Lawrence Schlossman.

🌳 The CIA designed Rage Against the Machine’s Logo??

In a Spyplane Investigations exclusive report, we uncover the hidden origins of Rage Against the Machine’s very sick molotov cocktail logo — and trace it back to the CIA??!! Tom Morello still hasn’t responded to us on Twitter about this one. A fascinating read full of secret jawns genealogy.

🌳 Should We Boycott Am*zon?

No company embodies unethical jawns-purveying circa 2021 as powerfully as Am*zon, with its multifarious, far-reaching TENTACLES and heinous labor practices. But do individual consumer choices, like boycotting evil corporations, make any impact?? We talk with Alex Press, Jacobin staff writer & host of Primer, a podcast about how Am*zon operates, about how the forces of light can “beat Am*zon” — and whether the notion of “consuming nobly” might in fact be a TRAP that the Jeff B*zoses of the world want to bait us into !?


How should pants fit now?

A pants crisis: It happens even (especially!) to the best Mach 3+ jawns enthusiasts among us. In this BBSP classic we go deep on optimal pants fit circa ~now, and check in with SpyFriends like Jacob Gallagher, Sam Hine, Ezra Koenig, and James Harris for their trouser-geometry input.

Are graphic tees dead?

Graphic-tee fatigue is real… and it only seems to be growing.

Is it ever cool to dress like a cop?

Do cops and soldiers (aka world-cops) have… swag? If, in highly cursed & qualified contexts, they do, can jawns enthusiasts who seek to defund 12 “appropriate” that swag? We get into the inner workings of rocking popo jawns / tactical jawns / military jawns — and why gorpy brands like Patagonia and Arc’teryx should kill their highly ungorpy defense and law-enforcement contracts.

Recs on places to learn how to repair/rework used clothing?

Okay, there’s nothing especially philosophical about this one, but mending skills R a fire way to not simply repair but rejuvenate and RE-SWAGGIFY time-honored jawns. Click to arm yrself with these talents.

What’s the Spyplane color of 2021?

Our definitive answer — backed up with airtight evidence.

Are cuffed pants over?

It’s the question on everyone’s mind. In a follow-up to our legendary PANTS-FIT REPORT, we zero in on the current, highly contested state of cuffing.

What’s after fleece?

SpyFriends love fleece — but they also love “that next s**t.” So what stylish, insulating, GORPY midlayer should u swap in for a snap-T?? We have the answer.

Spyplane Holy Decrees

In which “Judge Spyplane” smacks down the brain gavel & makes a few SPICY CATEGORICAL DECLARATIONS about brand synergy, graphic tees, the death of ties and other reader questions.

The dubious / cool origins of Earth Day

This holiday seems very cool, but it also seems like a holiday RIPE for all manner of capping: corporate co-optation, greenwashing, smooth-brained hollow-cored feel-good s**t. How did Earth Day start? We uncover the revolutionary potential in its roots.

Getting Into the Life-Well-Lived Mindset

What’s Life-Well-Lived Mindset?? It’s embracing the stains, cracks and wear that inevitably comes when you actually use your stuff. The point isn’t to get stains on jawns willy-nilly. It’s to live a life full of Mach 3+ stain-generating moments that are WORTH the stains!!

C.I.R.L.O.C., The “Cop I.R.L. Only” Challenge

The core appeal of the C.I.R.L.O.C. mindset is that it reintroduces meaningful, productive, ineffable friction into the experience of copping, and offers a way to take yr brain off of the “autopilot” zombie-consumer mode that e-commerce is designed to lull us into.

Are You Allowed to Wear That: Contemplating Jawn Appropriation

Pondering the ethics & politics of appropriating jawns, the morality of “stolen valor”, and how calling people out for appropriation *can* become a decoy that ultimately obscures and distracts from the harder job of actually militating against injustices.